Waiting to exhale

Each day goes by so slowly when you are in recovery. The usual recovery period is 6-8 weeks for major surgeries/ pregnancies etc and 2-3 weeks for laparoscopic surgeries. So now I'm in my 6th week post delivery and 1st week post laparoscopy. Another couple of weeks, and I should be fit as a fiddle (or so I hope). Meanwhile, various things keep going wrong. My lochia is like an unpredictable leaky tap...silent at times, then suddenly flaring up for no rhyme or reason...always uncomfortable. My lap incisions seem better, lesser twinges, but now getting really itchy. Digestive system has taken brunt of the beating. Now I'm on the same bland diet for 2 weeks...boring and unappetizing as hell. At least my last IV site didn't thrombose (thank God for small mercies) though one of the earlier sites is still painful. I'm moving from Phase I of recovery (pain and infection management) to phase II of recovery - cribbing management!

In all this hullaboo, my pregnancy loss has taken a dream-like quality. It feels so far away, like at another time and place, that it happened in the far past instead of just a month or so ago. I think back on how devastated I felt, and how I felt the pain would never go away. Today, I just feel longing for what could have been and apprehension of ever going through it again. There is some sadness, but not a deep pain. I think this is because I genuinely feel it was never meant to be and though painful for us, we spared our babies a lot of pain before an inescapable eventuality. My own pain seems to be in the past...strange considering by the end of it I was in hospital for 3 weeks, almost always in constant labor pain, fever, sickness and discomfort from complete bed-rest. Its like I've just blocked all that out...or whenever I think about it, I just fast forward the whole thing in my mind and it doesn't feel as bad as it did. This probably is the result of 'time heals', 'looking forward' and 'be positive' philosophy. But I feel guilty sometimes...that maybe I should feel more. Isn't it too soon? Its like I've moved on without any baggage. But in doing so, I've left the whole experience entirely behind...almost like it happened to another person. And the only thing I'm left with is a definite fear of going through it again...even though I would really like a child. The joy of being a parent, however briefly; the feeling that I can get pregnant, despite my PCOS; the sorrow of losing not one but two lovely babies; the effort and pain throughout in trying to carry the pregnancy through; the sacrifices both by me and my family, to give this our best shot - all lost to an overwhelming sense of self preservation for the future. Is it selfishness? or is this a natural process? I don't know. But as each day goes by, the past seems further away, and the future closer. And though I know the little things I want to do, I've lost the big picture of where I want to go from here.